This post is near & dear to my heart, & is quite long, but I’m quite proud of it. If miscarriage is hardly talked about, how one feels after suffering such loss, while currently being pregnant, is even more rarely talked about. “One of the least understood things about loss of any kind: that it seeps in to every corner of a person’s life, that it changes them, and that their life after their loss is a different life than before.” This couldn’t be more true, I am a different person now.
Take it back to this time last year, one of my main goals was to make 2016 my year to travel tons, before we settled down & started making some babies. I called it “last fling(s) before babies.” & that I did! In July, right after I got back from a week in Vegas, my husband & I had an unplanned “oopsie.” Unplanned, because we were waiting until after our 1 year wedding anniversary to actually begin the baby making process. We wanted a summer baby badly; however, that oopsie resulted in one of our greatest blessings, we were going to be parents in early Spring!!!
Sadly, that baby didn’t make it past 8 weeks. & it was the most painful loss I’ve ever experienced. We not only lost an “embryo” (like people like to call it), we lost our hopes & dreams for our baby. Their first birthday party, their first day of school, their first loose tooth, the pins on Pinterest were ready to be executed…need I go on? I lost a beautiful, magical time my husband & I had transitioned into; our best kept secret. I felt extremely misunderstood after my miscarriage, especially by people I knew that hadn’t experienced a pregnancy loss themselves. I got a lot of “reminders” that I would “have another baby”, that “it just wasn’t meant to be”, or reassurances that I would “eventually” have the family that I wanted. Then there were the ones I’m so grateful to, the ones that without having to, chose to share their own stories of their miscarriages. The ones that gave me hope! Some had a few healthy children already, some were pregnant again…those people really helped me get through a lot of the bad times.
Thankfully, I guess you can say I got the “lighter” end of a miscarriage. It was all natural, I didn’t need to get a D&C, & the bleeding stopped a week later. By the end of that month my doctor gave me the ok to go ahead & try again, preferably, after I had gotten my period…2 months passed & still no period. Not only was I dealing with the hurt of having lost my baby, I kept getting my hopes up that maybe I had ovulated & gotten pregnant, but each negative test determined that wasn’t the case. I had anxiety because I wasn’t getting my period, & anxiety because I wasn’t getting pregnant… I had stopped drinking, started taking vitamins, but was too scared to go full-out at the gym, same for my husband; so many things, so many factors, there were times I had cramping, weird discharges; it was the toughest, most confusing time of my life. I literally spent 2 months on Baby Center’s forums just researching & asking questions.
Fast forward to the morning of Sat, Nov 5th, after taking a pregnancy test at least once a week for about 6 weeks & getting negatives, my nipples started feeling weird, so we were excited that it was a sign I was finally having my period & that a few days after I would be ovulating! We were so ready to take on that week of ovulating like champs! LOL! Something told me to take one more pregnancy test, just in case. Imagine this (sorry for the TMI), I peed on the stick & watched that pee move into the stick & over a positive sign almost immediately! The positive sign showed right away, I didn’t even have to wait the 3 min’s. I almost passed out! LOL! I ran into the bedroom, jumped on the bed & woke my husband with the news. His response, “but how?!” LOL! Later on that day we went out & bought another, more expensive test & that confirmed the pregnancy as well.
I wish I can say it was happily ever after from there…our excitement lasted just min’s before the fear came in. First, remember that small detail that I had never gotten a period? Well, thats how doctors determine how far along you are, so we had no clue how far along into the pregnancy we were. Thankfully, I literally wrote everything down, so we were able to pin it to two possible dates of conception, until we were able to see the doctor & get confirmation. Second, we didn’t want to get too “attached” because as much as we wanted this baby, we knew miscarriage was a possibility again. For weeks I would work, then come home to lay down. I was taking it super easy, I was even afraid to fart! LOL! I would pray that everyday when I woke up to pee there would be no blood. That every pain, cramp, or weird thing that happened in there was just normal & my baby was just fine. I would tell my baby “keep growing strong & healthy for mama!” I still do!
Finally it was our 1st doctors appointment. First thing the doctor wanted to make sure was that it wasn’t “left over pregnancy,” my heart dropped when she said that. Right away they took us into the ultrasound room. The first thing I noticed was the beautiful, strong, beating heart. My heart immediately filled with joy, & there was no denying that I had gotten way to attached to this baby! That had put this worried mama-to-be at complete ease. Oh, & we were almost 7 weeks pregnant, we were getting our summer baby! Putting our conception date at Sat, Oct 15th. A day oh so very special, because it also happened to be “Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day,” & that day my husband & I celebrated by lighting lanterns in honor of our angel baby. Crazy how things fall into place. Our angel baby sent us our rainbow baby!
Weeks later we got to hear the heartbeat & that’s when the tears came, I’m so in love with this baby & I don’t even know its sex yet! LOL! Now, we’re a week away from the 2nd trimester. I realized suddenly that pregnancy, like life, is never guaranteed. There is no “Safe Zone,” there is only hope or fear. I have hope that I will get to meet this baby & it’s going to give me a run for my money; after all, just at just 4 weeks I found out the news, & usually it takes people longer. Oh, & did I mention the terrible nausea, vomiting, back pain, lack of sleep, constipation? But that’s a topic for another day! Hehe! Every passing milestone is a celebration, every moment is cherished!
Beauties, don’t ever feel ashamed to talk openly about such horrors. Social media has a way of making people only paint pretty pictures, & life is not always pretty. Everyone’s blessings are different! You never know who needs words of wisdom, & a little bit of hope. Women have it hard enough!
Yours Truly- Yaniris